Luke William Hahn Foundation

“Gusty Winds”

I have been wanting to try out this blog “thing” for a while now.  In my head, I’d say, “but who is going to want to read what you write?” Then I’d say, “but I really want to put my experiences out there, who knows, I might actually connect with someone on some topic.” Boy, I should really see a counselor about this “talking to myself” issue I have! So, anyway, I set this “BLOG” feature up on the LWH Foundation website about two years ago and it has taken my that long to decide to at least give this writing thing a try.  About two days before the four year anniversary of Luke’s death, I woke up suddenly (not for my usual bathroom break as I normally do) and felt the overwhelming NEED to write.  Literally, my fingers couldn’t keep up with the stuff in my brain that wanted to come out. Now, I’m a huge proponent of journaling or drawing or whatever type of media that helps to get feelings out, relieve stress, etc. and this one a.m. writing madness was definitely attempting to do both. As the anniversary, or “angelversary,” as I have begun to call it was fast approaching the emotions, stress, and any other internal struggles were really making their way into the many areas of my day to day life. So, I started to do what in the past has never let me down, I poured my thoughts and feelings out into writing. And, this is what came next………

On July the 5th, life as I knew it suddenly became out of my reach…like an important paper that blows away in a quick gust of wind, you are desperate to grab it, but it keeps floating away every time you reach out to pick it up. The frustration, heartache and longing could literally be felt. That was my life that day and MANY weeks, months, after…trying to grasp at my old life and nothing I tried allowed me to return my life to it’s rightful owner. It’s that longing, that yearning that still to this day blows into my life wanting so badly to just return to the former imperfect life, with the imperfect house and the not-so-perfect family. Just one more chance to catch Luke doing something he shouldn’t be doing or saying something (like a swear word) he shouldn’t be saying- How I would throw this new life back to the wind, if I just could. In that one moment on that one day, losing the life I knew, was like that paper finding a new home in faraway tree branch or just rustling around in a unknown place I would never find. To say I miss Luke and our “old life” is an understatement. This new piece of paper, though important, that I am now holding can still at anytime float out of my grasp, but I now hold it with much more vigor-a tighter grip. To say that I value life, feel the joy (and the pain) more intensely than before is so very true. Whatever the reason for that tragic day four years ago, I won’t know until I am with my Luke again when he’ll explain it to me- when I’m holding him in my arms again, but until then I plan on living fearlessly-like he did. I have a new life’s purpose that may or not be part of a new plan and although I don’t like having to come up with a new plan, it is necessary and needed. Hopefully, Luke will maneuver those gusts of wind just a little bit for me, allowing me to keep hold of this new important paper I carry with me now. Hopefully, he knows how much I love and miss him every second of every day and that I move forward for HIM with all the purpose and love I can muster. Even when that gusty wind blows into my life.